Harry Potter and Nicholas Flammel's Rock
by Kasha-Klee
Summary: This is a spoof of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. It is really weird. R&R.
1. The Boy Who Lived

Harry Potter and Nicholas Flammel's Rock

By: Kasha-Klee

I don't own Harry Potter, McDonalds, or Mentos. Stop badgering me about it. Sheesh.

One night, a man named Albus Dumbledore was walking down Privet Drive. He saw cars, rocks, trees, telephone boxes, and the occasional teenager with a cigarette pack that he's trying to hide from his mom and his girlfriend. He also saw a cat.

"Yo. Sup MC?" Dumbledore asked the cat.

"I told you to stop watching those muggle rap videos, "sighed the cat, as she turned human again.

"So…Ya wanna Mentos?" asked Albus.

"Erm..no," said McGonagall, who was the cat.

"So…Where's Hagrid?" asked Albus.

"Probably at a McDonalds somewhere," said McGonagall.

Somewhere over floating in the sky the Mediterranean Sea….

"I'd like a Big Mac, a Large Fry, a Large Coke, and a Small Vanilla Cone," said Hagrid, while at the drive through at McDonalds.

"That will be $7.95 at the window please," said Bob, the drive through guy.

Hagrid paid and flew off on his flying motorcycle towards Privet Drive. While flying he accidentally started to sit on the baby he was transporting. He only noticed when he started to hear a squish. He then spilled some Coke on the baby. He finally made it to Privet Drive.

"Finally!" said Albus.

"Sorry dare professor Dumbledore sir!" said Hagrid.

"We need to hurry up!" said McGonagall.

"Let me see Harry," whispered Albus.

"Who?" asked Hagrid.

"The baby!" exclaimed Dumbledore.

Hagrid gave him the baby called Harry Potter and Albus, McGonagall, and Hagrid, brought him up to the front door of number 4 Privet Drive. Then Hagrid started to cry.

"What's wrong Hagrid? You'll see him again," said Albus.

"That's not it. I banged my toe on this lamppost," said Hagrid.

Albus laid Harry down on the doorstep of number four. He also laid down a letter inside an envelope addressed to Mr. And Mrs. Dursley.

"We need to go," said Albus.

"Should we put some ice on that lightning bolt shaped cut on his forehead before we go?" asked McGonagall.

"No. It will become a scar, and scars are useful. Everyone knows that!" said Albus.

They turned to leave and Albus said one final thing before parting.

"Harry Potter. You are the boy who lived! Good luck with that."

They went on their way. Soon Mrs. Petunia Dursley would wake up, go collect the milk bottles, and the newspaper for her husband Vernon. She would also find her sister Lily's one year-old son on the steps of her house, and scream bloody murder. How fun!

Kasha: Well. That was chapter one! Hope you like it! By the way…I won't write more till I have 3 reviews.

Every time you don't review, Hagrid sits on another baby. Save the babies. Review.


	2. The Vanishing Glass

Mr. D: Kasha-Klee don't own anything.

Chapter 2: The Vanishing Glass

Harry Potter didn't have the biggest room on the planet. It was, in fact, the size of a broom cupboard. Actually, Harry Potter lived in a cupboard under the stairs of his horrible Aunt Petunia, Uncle Vernon, and his cousin Dudley's house.

"Wake up, Potter. We're going to the zoo today," yelled Dudley Dursley, someone who was close to the size of a baby killer whale.

Harry got up, rubbed his eyes, put on his glasses, and opened the door to his cupboard…only to get shoved back in again by Dudley. Dudley then waddled into the kitchen where his parents were waiting for him.

"Happy eleventh birthday my Dinky Diddy Dumpkins," said Aunt Petunia, kissing Dudley on the cheek. She then turned around to see Harry enter the kitchen.

"You there. Potter! You cook the breakfast. And don't burn anything. I want everything to be perfect for my Dudley's special day," screeched Aunt Petunia.

Harry sighed and started to cook the breakfast while Dudley counted his presents. He turned around when he heard Dudley start to yell.

"How many presents are there?" yelled the killer whale.

"Less than last year," said his father.

"Oh…Can I have two more?" asked Dudders.

"Why yes my Honey Bunches of Oats!" exclaimed his mum.

"Oh brother. I don't get that many presents for my birthday. I'm lucky to get socks that fit!" thought Harry.

"ZOO ZOO ZOO ZOO ZOO!" yelled Dudley, jumping up and down in his chair, till it broke in half.

Everyone took that as a hint that it was time to go to the zoo. As they were walking out, Uncle Vernon pulled Harry aside.

"No funny business or you won't be fed for a week!" whispered Vernon.

"Oh boy. Just let the child abuse keep on coming. Don't they have a law about that?" Harry thought.

They got to the zoo and, well, Harry had fun! He got ice cream and all sorts of stuff. The trouble started in the reptile house. They saw a snake that was sleeping. Dudley started to bang on the glass to get it to wake up. After about thirty seconds, he got bored with it, and went to see other animals. Harry stayed with the snake.

"I know how you feel. I always feel like I'm trapped in a box, bred in captivity, and only get fed once a month." Harry said to the snake.

Just then, the snake woke up and winked at him. Dudley saw the snake wake up and went to see it. He also pushed Harry to the floor in the process. Harry glared at him, and somehow, the glass to the snake cage disappeared. Dudley, who was leaning on the glass, fell in, and the snake, came out.

"Thankssssssssss," hissed the snake as it slithered past him, now free of the cage.

Dudley, on the other hand, was not so lucky. He went to leave the snake cage, to find that the glass had reappeared. His mother just happened to walk by. She screamed until they were in the car on the way home. She just sat alongside him, hugging him tightly, and drying him off with multiple towels. When they got home, Uncle Vernon yelled at Harry about what had happened.

"I don't know what happened! One minute the glass was there, the next it's not! It was just like magic!" yelled Harry.

"There is no such thing as magic!" roared Vernon.

"Then what happened to the glass?" asked Harry.

"Just go to your cupboard. No food. Ever." Said Vernon, going into the living room to see Dudley and Petunia.

Harry sighed and walked into his small, dark, cupboard. He had no way of telling time, or knowing when the Dursleys would go to bed so he could steal some food. He just sat on his cot and thought. He thought about his parents, and tried to think of a way to get rid of the Dursleys. Harry had no other family so the Dursleys were here to stay.

Kasha: Well…How was that chapter? Kinda boring.

Everytime you don't review, Harry goes a week without food. Save Harry. Review.

Harry: What do you mean? If they don't review, I starve?

Kasha: Yes!

Harry: REVIEW PEOPLE! PLEASE! SAVE MEEEE!

Kasha: Stop whining!

Harry: You're so mean!

Kasha: Yes! I know!


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